Suicide by Magic Bullet

After the last several years of a deeply divided country, it’s been great to see Liberals and Conservatives alike joining forces in a meme war of conspiracy theories surrounding the death of Millionaire-Pedophile Jeffrey Epstein. I collect conspiracy theories the way that some people collect baseball cards, so this is like Christmas to me. When I was younger, I bought into so, so many conspiracy theories. Pretty much all of them, actually. I obsessed over the JFK assassination from my senior year in high school on; reading a half dozen books on it, re-watching Oliver Stone’s movie over and over again, ranting to anyone that would listen. JFK and his Lone Gunman-Magic Bullet are kind of the granddaddy of all conspiracies, which many have argued was the beginning of the end of public trust in the government.

For myself, I eventually came to realize that conspiracy theories are a way of making sense of a world that often makes no sense at all. On some level, it’s comforting to believe that there’s an architect, or some shadowy backroom filled with cigar smoke, where Illuminati-Bilderbergers-Trilateral Commission-Agenda 21-Rothschild-Soros-clones are deciding the fate of the world. Constructing space-arks and underground bunkers to protect the select elites from the inevitable end of days that they’re ushering in on behalf of the aliens, or Satan, or whoever. Because even that awful hellscape makes it seem like the world isn’t just a random lottery of meaningless tragedies and near escapes. Even if the plan is horrifying, it’s still somehow comforting to know that there’s a plan at all. That someone knows what’s going on and is shaping events and guiding us all…somewhere. As soon as I realized this, I stopped needing to believe in conspiracy theories, though I still love them in the way that I love midnight infomercials for kitchen products I’ll never use, and for the same reasons.

Still, it should be noted that conspiracy theories exist for a reason. In fact, the very term “conspiracy theory” was coined by none other than the CIA to describe those that questioned the official story of the assassination of JFK, one of the more fanciful fictions ever presented to the American people as gospel. The term was meant to marginalize those that would dare to question how a US Marine—a traitor who had defected to Russia—was allowed at the very peak of the Cold War, to move back to America after years in the USSR, with his Russian wife and her mother, no less. He then bought a mail-order rifle from across state lines, and pulled off one of the greatest feats of marksmanship in history, right under the nose of the Secret Service and Dallas PD. According to these CIA wordsmiths, if you don’t take with a straight face the story that Oswald fired 3 shots in 5.6 seconds, and that just one of those bullets caused 7 separate wounds in 2 different people, after changing directions 5 times and pausing in mid-air for 1.6 seconds between wounds 2 and 3, then you’re clearly unhinged and need to be on a watch-list. Ya fuckin’ commie.

Yes, some conspiracies actually exist, just like some paranoid people actually have enemies that are out to get them. Of course, most of these theories are completely preposterous, like Avril Lavigne and Paul McCartney being dead, having been secretly replaced by doubles. Or Michelle Obama being a dude. That's one of my all-time favorites. I’m also rather fond of the theory that the 9/11 planes were actually cruise missiles disguised as planes by holographic trickery. When I’m having a bad day I pull that one out of the deck and go watch slo-mo YouTube videos that “prove” the theory until I actually think it might be true, then I feel all better. Recently, however the FBI had a document leak that suggested that they considered conspiracy theories/theorists to be a breeding ground for domestic terror, and that they were keeping watch over some of those groups, like the Qanon movement from the recently de-platformed 8chan.

This revelation has, in turn, spawned some new conspiracy theories and a fresh round of tin-foil hat-making seminars in the rec-room at the local senior center. But the FBI isn’t interested in people who think that fluoride is making us gay, they want to know about the ones who think that arms need to be taken up against the Deep State infiltrators, or other ideologies that suggest that violence is the only way to effect change at the governmental level. Because most of those people actually have guns and, in many cases, military training, along with detailed belief systems that they know better than to circulate in some manifesto like that rube Kaczynski.

But it’s not like the poor government is just sitting back, clutching their pearls at what’s become of their once-sterling reputation. The reason half of these conspiracy theorists are so rabid in their distrust and hatred is because of the things that our government has actually done, times they got caught with their hand in the cookie jar. The "good guys" in our government that we’re supposed to trust are the same people that: 

1. Performed radiation experiments on retarded kids, military personnel, and prisoners.

2. Created and executed a 25+ year propaganda campaign designed to manipulate the US media called Project Mockingbird. 

3. Conducted a decades-long psych-experiment on unsuspecting prisoners and college students using torture and psychotropic drugs, called MK Ultra. Ted Kaczynski—aka The Unabomber—was one of their more famous test subjects.

 

4. Purposefully poisoned 10,000 people during prohibition. 

5. Pretended to treat hundreds of black people afflicted with syphilis, just to watch how it affected those who were left untreated long-term. 

6. Made it legal for the government and the news to lie to the American public.

 

7. Legalized insider trading, but, you know, only for Congress. Still illegal for you and me.

Oddly enough, not one of these things is a conspiracy theory, they’re all uncontested historical facts that the government has admitted to. In fact, they’re so unconcerned about these things that you can actually Google them. They're also so tone deaf as to suggest that being disenchanted by their continual stream of horrid behavior and outrageous lies makes certain sectors of the American public, who dare to question the official narrative, possible terrorists. In other words, Uncle Sam is shocked—shocked!—to discover that gambling is going on in Casablanca?

Recent studies have shown that the more mentally stable and intelligent a person is, the more likely they are to question the official narrative. In fact, conspiracy theories as a whole are much more mainstream and widespread than any one particular conspiracy theory, in and of itself, could ever be. If you say that JFK wasn't killed by a lone gunman and the government has always known it, you're actually on solid ground. But the minute you say it was the Russians, the Mafia, CIA, or aliens, you're on your own. The government and our mass media outlets have created an entire society of conspiracy theorists by lying to the public day after day after day in the most grotesque and brazen ways imaginable. By generating a fake news environment, filled with magic bullets, chemtrails, and alternative facts, where people have no choice but to question the ways in which reality differs from what they’ve been told. How could they not?

By virtue of their avalanche of lies over the decades, the government has eroded the confidence of the public to such an extent that we continually have to prove that we went to the moon and that the Earth is actually round. And yet these manipulators still have the temerity to indict as a possible terrorist threat anyone who still has unanswered questions. I mean, as nutty as the Birthers and Truthers out there may be, is it really any nuttier than taking anything that documented liars like Dan Rather and Brian Williams had to say at face value?

Enter Jeffery Epstein. This one is so off-the-charts bonkers that, maybe for the first time, believing the official narrative makes you the tinfoil-hat nutjob. Because whether your hashtag is #clintonbodycount or #trumpbodycount, at last we all agree #epsteindidntkillhimself. For once, no one is falling for the lone gunman story. Sorry, we’re fresh out of magic bullets around here. 

But wait, haven’t you heard? Unlike Paul McCartney, Epstein’s not actually dead. That’s a body-double hologram of him on that stretcher, so that all the elites he was about to finger as vile Pizzagate-pedo-perverts will think that they’re safe. Meanwhile, Epstein  was spirited away by the Black Helicopters to testify secretly from the safety of Guantanamo Bay Area 51 where he’ll bunk with Elvis Tupac and enjoy a cush lifestyle supported by funds from the Iran-Contra deal CIA's inner-city crack sales.

Now about those prison guards that opened Epstein's cell door, disabled the cameras, and then turned a blind eye? Yeah, those poor bastards are definitely going to Epstein themselves.